Now that I’m pregnant again, all those emotions from Buster’s & Noodle’s births are coming back to haunt me. So much that happened was not what I would have chosen & so many women who’ve had Cesareans have run the same emotional gauntlet as I have. And yes, I know that I’m extremely blessed and I should be thankful that I had healthy babies… but there’s this part of me that always feels cheated. From that first moment the Dr gave up on my body’s ability to birth a baby the natural way…
Buster’s birth
I was due July 23, 2003, which was our 3rd anniversary. Six days before that, I went in with high blood pressure (150/110) and they decided to induce me. After lying in triage for 3 hours listening to the wails & shrieks from Labor & Delivery, they got me my own room and broke my water at 11 pm. I immediately starting having fairly intense contractions and to my regret I asked for an epidural only 30 minutes in. Really it was a good feeling at the time; hubby & I both napped through the first few hours until the medical staff bustled in and informed us the baby was in distress... but I had only been in labor for 5 hours, had dilated to an 8 and he was well into the birth canal, when they decided to slice me open and wrench him out. We were first-time parents – I was 21 and Tech Guy 23 – and we trusted their judgment. To this day I still believe if I would have been informed and stood up to them, Buster would’ve been born within 30 minutes…
Noodle’s birth
When I became pregnant the 2nd time I wanted a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) and my OB talked me out of it. She said I could possibly rupture and my life & the baby's would be at risk. So I foolishly believed her and we scheduled a 2nd Cesarean for September 20, 2005, 9 days before Noodle was due. I tried to take control; I told them I want to watch Noodle emerge, no curtain in the way. I told them I wanted to hold my baby right away, instead of 2 hours later. To be fair, they tried. They really did. But hospitals have protocols that need to be followed… and I felt cheated again. I felt like I had contributed *nothing* to the birth of my own child; I might as well have been asleep.
Today
Now I'm almost 28 weeks pregnant with our 3rd. I have armed myself with so much knowledge & numbers & statistics. I am going in with guns blazing & I'm going to try for the birth that’s best for both the baby & me. Homebirth is not an option & midwives are not available but I'm determined to make the most of a hospital birth, so I hired an incredibly understanding doula. She has had 2 Cesareans herself & knows why I feel this way. I'm sorry so many doctors choose convenience over healthy mom & baby (both physically & emotionally). In my research I found that yes, uterine rupture is a risk with VBACs, a risk that sits at less than 1%. I found that VBACs are so possible, even after multiple C-sections. I don’t want to be selfish & stubborn… if in the end a Cesarean is the only way to ensure good health, I won’t refuse it. But meanwhile I’m praying things will work out and I can finally have a baby without the weeks of surgery recovery.
I will let you know how that goes…
14 responses:
You are so brave, and I'm proud of you for doing so much research. Remember, you're no less of a mom if you have a C-section, but I can see where you're going. I used mental imagery with the birth of both of my boys, and it was really helpful for me. (I read "Mind over Labor" by Carl Jones.) We can't gauge one another's pain, so do what you have to do. I'm with you all the way in your decision ,girl! God bless.
I will pray that it works out the way you are hoping it will. Delight yourself in the Lord and he WILL give you the desires of your heart!!
wow, i so needed to hear this. I had a c-section with my first son (my choice) and i didn't get to hold him for the first 3 or 4 days of his life! i couldn't even touch him after he was out of me! I have been considering a vaginal birth this time around, but i'm scared... not of a rupture, but of the aftermath of a natural vaginal birth. I want to hold my baby and see their birth though and thats more important than anything else i'm scared about!
your due first, so let me know how it goes. ;)
lurking through blogs...
I too was forced into a c-section with my first birth. My son was foot long breech, my doc was confidant he could delivery my baby, but the hospital said, "No, way in hell."
My second was a planned V-Bac, there was some scare at the end about him being in distress. SO they asked me to get an epidural just in case they had to take me to the OR. During the epidural I dilated to almost completion, but his rated was dropping more. I did have a V-BAC, but they used a vacuum because his heart rate kept dropping to zero.
My third pregnancy was also a planned VBAC, my doctor's group seemed excited. They said too many women want to plan it out after they had their first c-section. 3 1/2 weeks before my due date I was having pretty intense contractions. I was already dilating and the did an ultra sound and found I had very little fluid in the womb for my baby. They decided to run a stress test to see if the baby was going to handle the stress of a vaginal birth. I dilated more, and things went good so I stayed at the hospital, hoping to deliver that next morning. In the middle of the night, after almost 40 hours of sleep deprivation and starvation, I asked for an epidural, hoping I could nap until it was time to push. No sooner do I fall asleep, the baby's heart rate drops to zero. After readjusting, we are good. 10 minutes later the baby's heart rate crashes again. So the doctor put an heart rate monitor on the babies head and then looked at me. I asked "C-section?" She said, "I'm not going to force you, but I think it would be the best thing for both of you." She was right, I was having placenta abruption (the placenta was pulling away from the uterus wall). Had I waited much longer, I was of delivered a still born.
My fourth child was a big disappointment once again. I knew early on that I was going to have to have a C-section. My insurance limited me to a slim selection of Ob/gyn's and not one of the were willing to take the risk of a VBAC and neither were any of the hospitals. Had this been my 1st after my 1st c-section yes, but because I had two c-sections no. I was so frustrated.
I totally understand your desire for the VBAC and hope that things go the way you plan. In the end, I pray that both of you come out of this perfectly healthy.
I had a c-section with my first due what they diagnosed as "CPD" after the typical intervention cascade when my water broke but labor was not progressing as fast as the doctor liked. I vbaced with my second in a hospital sucessfully. I was told after my first I was too small to deliver babies vaginally. Well, my second baby was over 1 pound bigger than the first with a bigger head and she came out just fine. So, I believe in my heart the "CPD" with the first was really about a baby getting stuck with his head crooked because he was forced into the birth canal by pitocin and ridiculous contractions before he was ready to be there. Once he was there, nothing could be done but cut him out. I was determined to do it my way the second time and I did. After she was born I just kept saying "I did it". I am now pregnant with my third and plan to vbac again. I did cave and get the epidural with both even though I knew it was a bad decision, mentally I lost it when the pain got too bad. My daughters heartrate dropped into the 40's within 10 minutes of getting it and I know it was the epidural. Thankfully it stabilized and I was able to proceed, but it was very scary and I punish myself mentally for caving and getting it. This time I am preparing myself mentally for no way, no how am I getting one. I am getting a great doula and using a midwife this time (in the hospital) along with music and reminder notecards to give me an outlet and remind me of the right things to do. So, fingers crossed I can have the natural vaginal birth I longed for since the birth of my first child. Good luck to all you other mom's out there.
I am in the exact same situation. First baby,1999, I had high blood pressure and they induced, sent me home, induced again and then c/s. Second baby, 2005, I thought I was going to have a vbac and thought I did all of my homework, but it ended up a scheduled c/s. I didn't know I could say NO!. Now I am due in April with our third child and I think I have found the only OB in our area that will allow a trial of labor and I am so scared she is going to push me into another c/s. I will pray for you and for a healthy natural birth. I hope it all goes well. Keep us updated. :)
April 19th is my due date and another funny thing is my son was born October 8th 2005. It just keeps getting weirder. LOL
you go , Margi. I've seen it work before ...praying for a swift natural delivery & a healthy son.
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