confessions

I have issues. Big ones, in fact. And some days I’m just in awe that God cares about little ole me. Cuz I mess up, a lot! I’m impatient and independent… and sometimes when you have a family to love and take care of, those two are your worst enemies! But I’m learning & God has incredible patience and I figure my kids will learn more from me screwing up and apologizing than if I was “perfect” all the time.

One issue I have… and I’ve noticed lately that I’m not alone on this one… is how we as moms feel we are defined. We tend to put importance on certain things and then judge others by our own personal gauges. I remember Mckmama used to have on her sidebar a quote to the effect:

I used to think I was defined by my breastfeeding, baby-wearing, natural living, vaccination delaying, etc. but I now realize I am defined only by my relationship with Jesus Christ.

And this hits really close to home. Because I think all of us at one time or another, is affected by the “natural” movement. We either want to go overboard against it, or make a religion out of it, or feel guilty because we feel we’re not doing “enough” even when it’s not possible for us at the time.

Being a mom is tough sometimes. I was a C-section, non-breast-feeding mom with my first and yes, I felt the judgment. We can say all we want that we don’t judge… but it was there. I felt like I’d never been a “real” mom, whatever that is! When Noodle was born (also C-section) I made a real effort to breastfeed and that lasted 3 months which I was incredibly proud of! Then by my 3rd pregnancy, I had developed more natural consciousness and tried to go for a VBAC, which eventually I gave up (story on that here). But I was gonna breastfeed. Oh yes I was!

What surprised me was that I enjoyed breastfeeding. I was going to do it to be “natural” and “admired” but I actually love it and have no plans to stop at this point. What also surprised me was that I started getting all judgmental on any mom I saw feeding her baby a bottle. My thoughts ran down the line of, ‘Doesn’t she know that’s bad for her baby? She obviously didn’t try hard enough.’ That is so embarrassing to admit, but people, I’m all about keeping it real today.

The thing is, we are not defined by how we feed our babies. Did you hear that? Jesus died for us!! He cares about ME and YOU, and whether we obey his commands and repent and accept HIS love. NOT the acceptance of our peers. It’s so freeing when we look up, away from ourselves and our petty earthly grievances. MY GOD LOVED ME ENOUGH TO SEND HIS SON TO DIE FOR ME. His son. His only Son. There is absolutely nothing on this earth that defines me more than that.